Insecure

Have you ever felt so insecure about yourself? Like, whatever you do, you just don’t feel comfortable about it?

Well, I have, and as matter of fact, I still do. Everytime I finish on something, I always think “Is that okay? Will people think it’s okay?”. Everytime I go out, I always look at other people’s eyes. Are they staring at me with pondering looks? Do I fit perfectly among my groups? And despite all the bitchiness I wrote here on my blog about how I don’t care with people’s words, I’m not that serious. I do still care. And you’ll never hear me talking that bold in real life. You would see me as a complete introverts when you meet me for the first time. I only get loud when I’m surrounded by those I knew and I feel comfortable to be, and that’s a very rare thing to see.

Feeling insecure isn’t good. It makes you always want to appear right in front of other people. It makes you put thick mask or makeups on your faces so that they can accept you. It makes you lie about yourself to people, putting all your natural you behind.

If I look back to know where this insecure feelings come from, I guess it must’ve been my childhood. I was completely different (and still am) at that time. And being different among those ‘intolerant’ environment just made it worst. I struggled my way to be ‘acceptable’. But as I said before, it’s all about makeups. It makes you feel good, but in the end, you have no choice but to clean it up, leaving your natural look uncovered.

And now, I’m being totally confused. I met many different people these years. How do I know which mask I should put on so that I’ll get a warm welcome? What if I took the wrong one? What if, even with the right one, it still didn’t feel right? If I didn’t feel good wearing those masks, why should I bother to?

I remembered reading an entry by Fanny couple of days ago. She didn’t pretty much like the way she had changed right now. I asked myself, how about me? Will I still be able to look back to see whether I liked my new me? I’ve been putting all these masks for like, all my life. And to decide which ‘me’ I really like is almost impossible, as right at this moment, I have forgotten who I used to be and who I really am.

I wonder what people (and I mean all people I know) would think if they know the man behind these makeups. Will I still get a place among them? Hmm.. a question which is hard to answer. More like scientific quest where the answer will always be given after you perform the experiment.

So, in regards of stepping out of these masks one by one, I wrote this entry with a hope that someday I could show my real me.

--Reblogged from Aulia Tegar